The Lunar Conspiracy Theory: Exposed by Brilliance!

Anywhere from 6% to 20% of the American population believes that America never actually went to the Moon. 

They say it was all a conspiracy to cover-up for our so-called failures as a nation in the Post-World War II through Viet Nam War era in our history. This number fluctuates according to how recently Fox or some other ratings-grabbing network had aired any of a number  so-call "Special Investigative Reports" into the NASA Apollo Moon Program.

Attention, all you NASA Apollo Hoax Conspiracy Theorists Gap Heads! WE DID, IN FACT, GO TO THE MOON, NUMB NUTS. So take off your Custom Foil Hats, put down the bong, crack open a cold one, fire up a cigarette, hack up a wet cud, and check this shit out. Let us put on our thinking caps, and begin the investigation, posthaste.

The "NASA Apollo Moonshot Conspiracy Theory" (CT), as it is commonly known, says that NASA spent $30 billion on the Conspiracy, such funding needed to build and maintain the Conspiracy, for NASA's own nefarious ends. But, chowder heads, NASA itself is on record as saying it only spent $25.4 billion to go to the Moon with the Apollo Project, back up by official Federal Government contemporaneous records. So, apparently, it's cheaper to actually go to the Moon, than to create and fund an on-going, 50-plus year-old conspiracy. Imagine that!

The TC would require 411,000 participants, (about, ed.) "the number of NASA personnel in 1965, to create and maintain the Conspiracy", (as calculated by Oxford University physicist and cancer researcher, David Robert Grimes). (PBS Newshour, "How many people does it take to keep a conspiracy alive?" by Joshua Barajas, February 15, 2016 at 12:21 PM EDT). Do tell!

Based on the historical data of three revealed conspiracies: Edward Snowden's NSA Eavesdropping Scandal; the Tuskegee Black Syphilis Experiment (Google it); and "an FBI scandal involving Dr. Frederic Whitehurst, whose misleading forensic tests led to wrongful detainment and execution of several innocent people. Grimes looked at these conspiracies to approximate things like the secret-keeping ability of a conspirator and other factors that ultimately maintain a secret." (Op. cit.) Huh... izzat so?

Plus, Grimes gave imaginary conspirators in his math model an unrealistically high capacity for secrecy to gauge what it would take to spill the beans. For the moon-landing conspiracy to stay quiet, (he said, ed.) it would require an estimated 411,000 people (about, ed), about the number of NASA employees in 1965, to keep mum. Grimes estimates this hoax should have broken down within 3.68 years (About 1343.2 days, or 191.8857 weeks, or 44.15995 months, the nearly-common lifetime of a used car loan. ed), decades before a conspiracy theorist met the business end of a former astronaut’s fist. (Op. cit.) Buzz Aldrin, in his later years, famously cold-cocked and laid out a Conspiracy Theorist who had shoved a Bible in his face and shouted, "You were never on the Moon!" Thus proving that Moon walkers ain't pussies. As motherhumpin' if!

Grimes then looked at the maximum number of people needed to keep a secret for a actual conspiracy. According to Grimes’ calculations, the number of conspirators reduces the longer a conspiracy survives. For a hoax to persist five years, no more than 2,521 people can be active participants: that is, be aware that the conspiracy exists. To last 25 years, that number drops to 502. And to last a century: 125 people tops. Large conspiracies tend to fail, and if you need large numbers of scientists to conspire, that’s incredibly unlikely to be tenable, he said. (Op. cit.) See more at: http://www.pbs.org/newshour/updates/math-formula-charts-the-lifespan-of-hoaxes/

NASA says it took 400,000 participants, from the Astronauts, to the Mission Controllers, to the Tracking Station operators, to the engineers, contractors,  assemblers, orbit calculators, computer programmers, et. al., all the way down to each and every receptionist, secretary, accountant, cafe employee, janitor, and piss-boy, et. al. at each and every NASA venue, office and plant, and especially including the gate guard at Cape Canaveral who says, "Be safe, and have a nice day!" as employees exited the Cape facility at the end of the day, to propose, design, build, assemble, service, launch, operate, and plain old levitate by the force of their collective wills, the rockets, capsules, LEMs and various impedimenta of the Apollo program.

Can 400,000 really people keep a secret? Benjamin Franklin famously said that "Three may keep a Secret (sic), if two of them are dead." (Poor Richard's Almanack, 1735). So, I guess, by Ol' Benjie's lights, 400,000 MAY keep a secret, if 399,999 of them HAVE DIED. As of January 18, 2017, 15 of 24 Apollo astronauts who either orbited, or walked on the Moon, are in active survival mode. All are over 80 years old. Countless multiple tens of thousands of NASA Apollo employees can still "fog a mirror." (i. e. are still among the living, because their breath deposits fog on a mirror held under their assorted noses.) They range in age from about 65 or so, on up. The Apollo Conspiracy Theory is causing Old Ben Franklin, as we speak, to roll furiously about his longitudinal axis, in his grave, generating considerable friction, a considerable source of Geothermal heat and power. Amazing, I know. Right?

The Apollo Conspiracy Theorists say the Conspiracy was due to political pressure, formulated to cover NASA's collective asses, because we were losing the Space Race to "The God#### Russkies!" The reality was that whenever we were in second place in the race, it was by slim margins, of weeks or just a few months, at worst. Also, Soviet efforts typically yielded scant scientific fruit. Not nearly as useful as, say, a banana, or a grapefruit. Not a full meal there.

Sure, the Soviets were the first to orbit a satellite: Sputnik 1, flew into outer space on 4 October 1957. Remember the movie "October Skies" (Released on 19 February 1999), which depicted Sputnik I merrily beep, beep, beeping along over head, in an elliptical low Earth orbit, saying to the whole wide world, "Hello, I'm here!?" That's about Ol' Sputnik 1 did, as it had no scientific sensors. Oh yeah, analysis of propagation data of its radio transmitter gave scientists info on the ionosphere, and detected orbital drag helped to calculate high-level atmospheric density. A rock being equally apt at the latter task, and a Walkie-Talkie serves well for the former. Sputnik 1 took the Big Sleep on 26 October 1957, burning up on re-entry. In its 21 days of active service, it traveled 43 million miles for 1440 completed orbits. Big Whoop. But, "The God#### Russkies" WERE in actual, damned, first place. The Soviet Union was the Wave of the Future. Wave or particle: it's uncertain which is which.

The US's first entry into the Space Race, Vanguard 1A, died in an explosion on the launch pad on December 6, 1957. Explorer 1, was launched and successfully entered orbit about six weeks later, on 31 January 1958. It's on-board sensors were the first to detect the Van Allen Radiation Belts, It carried a Geiger Counter (often totally saturated), five temperature sensors, a micrometeorite/cosmic dust impact detector, a second impact detector capable of detecting and recording micrometeorites/cosmic dust particles down to 10 micro meters (microns, a millionth of a meter). It was a virtual "God of a Satellite" for it's time. It could have founded its own religion, had it chosen to do so.

Sputnik 2, the Soviet's sophomore effort, launched Laika, a dog (Laika means, literally, "Barker," who was a stray) into orbit, just 32 days after Sputnik 1 popped up above the far horizon. Engineering and biological data was transmitted to back to Earth, and included equipment to measure solar emissions (ultraviolet and x-rays) and cosmic rays, and a Geiger Counter to detect and measure local radiation. A few hours after launch, Sputnik 2 became Barker's coffin, the dog having expired from overheating of the cabin. (At the time, the Soviets said Barker lived to about ten days post-launch, but after the fall of the Soviet Union, previously unopened secret records revealed the truth. Barker definitely died just a few hours after liftoff.) "Albina" the backup, and "Muhka" the equipment tester, both survived happily on Earth, with the dates that they RIPped being lost in the mists of time. The Van Allen Belts could have been the "Vernov Belts," but Sputnik 2 was out of range of Soviet ground stations, and the Soviets would not give the codes to unlock Sputnik 2's signals to the Australian and South American ground stations that had detected Sputnik 2's signals. Because of Soviet bull-headedness, these ground stations would not cooperate and send the raw data to the Russians. So, the Russians missed out on what would have been a scientific coup for them.

After several notable failures, America's Vanguard 1C was launched on 17 March 1958, and performed like a champ. It is set to de-orbit in about 2240AD, making it the oldest human-made object in space. It was the first use of solar cells to power a satellite. The USA, by certain measures, was now in the lead. But thereafter, there were several failures, successes, and partial successes.

Then, on 3 March 1959, Juno II passed within 60,030 km (37,300 mi) of the Moon into a heliocentric orbit, returning excellent radiation data. However, the Soviets were poised to reclaim the pole position.

Previously, on 2 January 1959, the Soviets' Luna 1 had become the first spacecraft to reach the vicinity of the Moon, and the first spacecraft to be placed in a heliocentric orbit. Then, on 12 September 1959, Luna 2, landed on the surface of the Moon, and the first human-made object to land on another celestial body. On 4 October 1959, two years after the success of Sputnik 1, Luna 3 photographed the Far Side of the Moon. "The God#### Russkies" were solidly in the lead in the Space Race. America limped behind, pants nearly down around our ankles, butt cheeks flapping in the wind. Our Space Program was buying KY Jelly by the gross-ton.

Throughout 1959, 1961, and early 1962, the USA lagged, but with more winners than losers. The Soviet Union's endurance started to flag. 1962 saw the USA's Mariner 2 orbit Venus, the first spacecraft to visit another planet.

The Mercury Program kicked off in the early-to-mid-60s. Gemini was close behind.

1965 saw the USA's Mariner 4 perform a fly-by of Mars, becoming the first craft to successfully photograph another planet from deep space.

In 1966, Russia's Luna 9 became the first spacecraft to achieve a soft landing on the Moon, or any planetary body other than Earth, and to transmit photographic data to Earth from the surface of another planetary body. America and Russia were, arguably, neck and neck in the Space Race. They could smell each other's stinky sweat.

President John Fitzgerald Kennedy, in his earlier Address to Congress on Urgent National Needs, 25 May 1961, had declared, "I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to the earth. No single space project in this period will be more impressive to mankind, or more important for the long-range exploration of space." That's the fact, Jack!

Further, Kennedy's We Choose to Go to the Moon speech, given on 12 September 1962, before an audience of 35,000 at Rice University's football stadium, had included the following moving passage, "We choose to go to the Moon! ... We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard; because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one we intend to win ..." And the crowd went wild, crying, "Jack-O! Jack-O! Jack-O!" The sharks smelled blood in the water.

Then, as if miraculously, by the Very Hand Of God, in the summer of '69, the USA kicked the Soviet Union's dick to the dirt. On that day, at 20:17:40 UTC (Coordinated Universal Time), on Sunday, July 20, 1969, 102 hours, 45 minutes into the Apollo 11 mission, NASA boldly declared that, "The Eagle has landed." Mission Commander Neil Armstrong and Lunar Lander Pilot "Buzz" Aldrin were aboard the Lunar Excursion Module. The Apollo Spaceship Columbia, piloted by Michael Collins, orbited about 69 miles overhead. Democracy, Free enterprise, Capitalism and the indomitable American can-do spirit, had prevailed, defeating the obviously Evil Empire of the USSR. Howrah!

20 July 1969 saw America win the Space Race, by forty lengths, easily pulling away. Game, Set and Match. Russia picked up it's men and boys, tools and toys, slinking away off the playing field, shoulders slumped, dejected and defeated. They never came close to moving ahead in the game, ever again. They never got a man to the Moon. Homo Sovieticus had become Homo Erectus Jack-Officus.

Nikita Khrushchev had long earlier said, "Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will dig you in. We will bury you." He implied that the Soviet Union, was the "Wave of the future." They were riding the wave of history.

Much later, comic Sam Kinison said (paraphrased), "Khrushchev said he would bury us. He implied that the Soviet Union was the wave of the future. Well... they WERE the wave of the future. So let's all give them the wave. Everybody wave... Bye... Bye-bye!"

So the Conspiracy Theory was NOT needed to cover NASA's ass after all. We started winning in the mid-1960s, and never really looked back.

So let's recap:

One: It's actually cheaper to build a program to go to the Moon, than to run a Conspiracy to hide the fact that we didn't..

Two: 411,000 people can keep a secret, if, as Ben Franklin reminds us, 410,999 are dead. Tens of thousands are still kicking. Secrecy, schmecracy.

Three: According to David Robert Grimes, a Conspiracy involving 411,000 people would be uncovered in about three years, and eight months. I can almost hold my breath that long.

Four: We really weren't ever THAT far behind in the Race for Space, so a Conspiracy to protect NASA was unneeded. Not by a Moonshot.

In the interests of brevity (LMAO), I present to you Proofs Five through Nine as exercises for the student. Google that shit yourself, Dude! I'm not going to do all your work for you, you lazy bastard!

Five: Unstated herein (Google), but proven elsewhere, the existence of moon rocks returned to Earth by the Apollo Project. During the six Apollo landing missions, 2,415 samples weighing 380.96 kilograms (839.87 lb) were collected. It has been proven, 'a priori,' that it would take between about 600 to 2000 unmanned Lunar land-and-return-to-Earth missions to collect that much Lunar material, and deliver it safely to earth.

Six: Unstated herein, but proven elsewhere (Google), countless overhead photographs of the Apollo Lunar Landing sites (by several Lunar Orbital Missions). A picture saves a thousand words.

Seven: Unstated herein, but proven elsewhere (Google),  many multiples of telescopic photographs of the Apollo Lunar Landing Sites. The Eyes have it.

Eight: Unstated herein, but proven elsewhere (Google), many instances of timed out-and-back laser beam shots, focused on retro-reflecters left at several Lunar Landing Sites, with extremely precise "length of flight" times, with extremely tight, centimeter tolerances. This is of course, the true definition of the informal measurement known as "a cunt hair!"

Nine: Unstated herein, but proven elsewhere (Google), countless photographs of our Apollo Astronauts on the Moon. (Sure, many of these photos have anomalies. But, all such anomalies are easily, completely and competently explained by various experts in their fields, such anomalous photographs in no way supporting the NASA Apollo Hoax Conspiracy Theory.) Picture that!

And finally we are at the final Proof:

Number Ten: NASA Apollo Hoax Conspiracy Theorists wear their Foil Hats way too damn tight, cutting off the flow of blood to their brains, resulting in temporarily, at least until the Foil Hat is doffed, but severely, impaired thinking. (Previously unstated herein, but assumed, 'a priori,' to be true.) Talk about a buzz kill.

So, did we actually go to the Moon? 

FUCK YEAH, WE DID! AND DON'T YOU EFFING FORGET OR DENY IT! EVER, YOU DUMB BASTARDS!

Thanks for playing along. I require sustenance and repose, so until we meet again, Sayonara. Stay frosty, my friends.