Who is Chelsea Clinton's Real Father?

Chelsea Clinton's Ancestry is the Subject of Pure Speculation

You know, there's plenty of rumors going around about about who Chelsea Clinton's real father is. Today, I examine the rumors. And offer up one of my own.

The first rumor is that Bill Clinton could not have kids, so Hillary accepted the services of another sperm donor, not by artificial insemination, but the old fashioned way: in the back seat of a '57 Chevy. What's curious about this rumor, as a sidebar, is that President Bill, the Predator in Chief, has been accused of illegitimately siring a young Black man whom he ignores to this day. Of course, given the upheavals in the scientific community these days, no one can explain how this can be true. Personally, I think that Bill's hammer works just fine... except in the vicinity of Hillary.

The second rumor is that one of Hillary's partners in the Little Rock, Arkansas Rose Law Firm, Webb Hubbell, who bears a passing resemblance to a fish, and Hillary, was participating in a very popular dance craze at the time, the Horizontal Mambo. Young Chelsea was the unfortunate (or fortunate, depending on your point of view), legacy, of their licentious leisure activities. Chelsea, before undergoing plastic surgery, did have a tremendous resemblance to good old, fish-faced Webb. But even plastic surgery cannot erase all of the traces of her ancestry.

Which brings us to our third rumor, one for which I think there is ample evidence, but little precedence. I officially throw my hat into the ring as the originator of this fascinating look into the genesis of Chelsea Clinton. Come, look closely at a picture of Chelsea. Almost any random picture will do. The very first thing to usually jump out to someone is the appearance of her eyes. She has perpetual google eyes, resembling those of goldfish on LSD.

But don't be fooled: her eyes are only a distraction. They are formed by her continual, ongoing habit of thrusting a frozen Otter Pop up her butt whenever she will be going into public. Ostensibly, this is done to give her a look of wide-eyed innocence. Actually, it is a creepy fail that does nothing to endure (a purely Freudian slip, folks. I meant to say "endear.") her to the common folk. But it does help her fit in at the local aquarium. Just sayin'.

So lets get right to the heart of the issue. Once you get past the goo-goo-googly eyes, something else jumps right out of the picture, and gobsmacks you right between the eyes. She bears a tremendous, if unfortunate (or fortunate, depending, as I said before, on your point of view), resemblance to the character Donkey from the Shrek movies. IT'S UNCANNY! So, having considered all the facts and all the evidence available, I have concluded that Chelsea Clinton was sired (pun intended, as you'll see in a moment) by the extraordinarily famous and popular '60s era TV performer, none other than... MR. ED!

Chelsea Clinton, the Donkey's Head, is supposed to be Bill's child.

But she was sired by Mr. Ed, so ain't that story wild!

Yep, folks, it's true. Mr. Ed is Chelsea Clinton's biological, birthright father. How Hillary managed to keep this a secret all these years is not known. How and when they did the nasty is pure conjecture. It is a well known, but not easily confirmed (all relevant details have been scrubbed from Google), fact that about nine months before Chelsea was born in 1980, a traveling burlesque show came through Little Rock. This show supposedly included a minor, but extremely salacious, animal act, performed by none other than a faded celebrity horse who was trying to reboot his career. This fading celebrity was the notorious Mr. Ed. The details of this act have faded with time. However, it was apparently inspired by the legendary "Donkey Shows" rumored to be popular in certain Tijuana speakeasies. Hillary was known to be a huge fan of burlesque, and regularly traveled to Tijuana on "business." Additional details will be passed along as they become available.

One last thing. Chelsea does bear a tremendous resemblance to a donkey. This is why I first went with the theory that her father was actually Francis the Talking Mule. Until I remembered that mules, the cross-bred offspring of horses and donkeys, are sterile. I was initially side-tracked by the coincidental fact that Francis the Talking Mule was also a burlesque performer who had his own animal act. Apparently, his show had been to Little Rock several years earlier. Supposedly, Hillary attended EVERY NIGHT for the run of the program, often getting into work very late the next day, wearing the same clothes as the day before, covered in straw, and smelling strongly of oats. So all in all, it was an honest mistake, on my part. Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, mea culpa!

Young Chelsea Clinton, no genius of note, looks like a donkey, dumb as a goat!

She's well educated: how does she cope, being a dumbass, a big frickin' dope?

Well folks, there you have it. My opinion as to the genius of the scion of the Clinton Family. Only one question remains: If everything Hillary ever did was, "For the Children," why did she stop at one? Let's all be honest, and just say what we're thinking: "After one look at her, who would want to spawn another?"